It's official! I do NOT have a brain tumor! No signs of brain shrinkage or vascular blockage on the MRI/MRA either! So while the neurologist has no idea why I have memory loss, executive functioning problems and confusion, I do not have a terminal brain disorder. WHEW! Having a celebratory glass of champagne. AND I had started some chicken stock for comfort food after the MD appointment. I ate some and had some chex mix.

I continued to knit on the endless sock-weight purse from Knitpicks yarn. Ugh. I am so excited about Max's BrownSheep Superwash Bulky Blue Riff jacket that I emailed BrownSheep for other colors in their seconds bin :) Unless Denise is going to visit her relatives again soon and wants to run another mercy mission. Honestly, without her hard work, where would my stash be?!!! :::hugs to Denise!:::

Tomorrow morning is the endocrinologist and I will attack him with information that his Synthroid Rx has made my symptoms WORSE! Ugh!@!!

Cast on for Max's sweater/jacket tonight. I have been eager to begin this sweater since Denise sent me my Brown Sheep order. I got Lamb's Pride Superwash in bulky weight and "riff blue" http://brownsheep.com/lps.html for his sweater. I've been working on 3 different purses and cast on for my first article of clothing, a shrug for me as soon as I finished one of the purses. I thought I needed the same sized needles for my shrug and his sweater, but turns out I needed longer needles for his sweater so a trip to Yarn to Go for some more needles. I bought Clover circulars. These are my first bamboo needles. She was out of Addi's in 10's and and I like consistency in a pattern so I needed bamboo in both the 10's and 8's though I did get some more bry-flex double points too for the cuffs. This is knitting up so fast! I've never worked with bulky weight before, but this is wonderful stuff. As soon as it's done, I'm steeking for the first time because Max likes a zippered jacket. I was going to try the Wallaby, but I'm a very frugal knitter and I found several free patterns online. There are at least two different Lion Brand Homespun Hood Knit Sweater patterns online and they are not identical. Here's the one I'm using http://tinyurl.com/cuhkr and in no time there will be a picture of it on this blog!

As an added bonus. This new project is completely distracting me from my impending appointment tomorrow with the neurologist. I so hope we'll get an actual diagnosis. I am prepping myself for the "worst", which would be "we don't know what's wrong, more tests..."

It's got to be the Synthroid. There's just no reason I should be so sick! Memory problems are one thing, but this is ridiculous. I was up until 3 last night. Not tired in the least. Thank heavens I knit. I kept putting my shrug down, saying I was going to go to bed, but I felt horrible. I had eaten some crackers and since they didn't upset my stomach I'd have crackers and some of my garrrrrlic dip. Bad idea. Was sick for hours and gradually wasn't sick, but felt horrible. I didn't even get my shrug finished for all that :(

Running some errands today. Max wants to get a few new books. He wrote some more thank you notes last night. William has lost computer for a month because he cut a small square of fabric out of my FAVORITE tie-dyed rayon ribbon dress (Fawn & Tino designs) to do Voo-Doo! Yep, big brother-the-babysitter read some silly book about voodoo when he was waiting to meet Alton Brown in November. Now why he mentioned it to little brother last week is beyond me, but he did and William took it upon himself to make a voodoo potion. I noticed the missing fabric in the hem yesterday and it would be correct to say that it did not go smoothly when I asked William what happened. Eventually he told the truth, we took his computer game RuneScape away from him for a month. You'd have thought we were depriving him of air.

enough drivel. Off to call my mom and tell her I have a neuro appt. Thursday so she cancels her plans to come the following week.

I did it. With Ginger and 2.5 mg Xanax, I survived an enclosed MRI and MRA for what seemed like a zillion hours, but was probably more like 1.5 total. And as an added bonus, I semi-recovered from my deeply drugged state long enough to eat an entire entree for dinner. That was my first full meal in weeks. Of course I felt bad later, but for about 2 hours it was fine. Guess the Xanax wore off an my stomach woke up? hee hee

So today I called and begged to see the neurologist earlier than 9/1. Said what ever it is that's going on with me is interfering with my daily life and I can't afford to go to the ER (which was the nurses suggestion). After telling her I would come to the clinic and sit all day to get worked in, she suddenly found an opening Thursday at 2:20! Amazing! Now, the anxiety begins all over again. Maybe this is all in my head (as in psycho-somatic), maybe I'm craving attention! OMG. But the nausea continues. I remain apathetic, confused and can't organize sometimes and life goes on. I am relatively certain something is wrong with my brain/body. I am also relatively certain it's not life-threatening. This will all go away and my life will slowly return to normal and we will barely be able to recall it five years from now :)

BEACH. We leave for the BEACH in a few more weeks. Blessed sun, sand, salt and silence. Now if the construction weren't going on in the background we'd have the later, but alas, the island is still recovering from the wretched Ivan who took our month at the beach and reduced it to 3 weather-channel-obsessed-days and our beach home to nothing more than pictures and memories. And, irony of ironies, guess what my Neurologist's name is? Yep, Ivan. From the Ukraine. Gotta love fate. She's got a wicked sense of humor.

So, hope for a solid diagnosis on Thursday. I don't care what, just a definitive diagnosis. Being the bizarre knitter that I am. I have decided to "reward" myself after Thursday's appointment with a hat made from this http://tinyurl.com/9rqpj or this http://tinyurl.com/djrxf because this yarn begs to be near my skin. And after enduring months of waiting (Ginger says this would have been "over" long ago if I whined more) I think I deserve a piece of decadent luxury like a cashmere beanie or even :::gasp::: a small stole. What do you think?

Coca Cola is a miracle. I met Mikey at Molly's for a comfort drink as he'd had a challenging and demanding day. After 1 1/2 huge glasses of coca cola (in 2 hours) I came home and had a few crackers and CHEESE and I feel perfectly normal. ahhhh Wonder what is in it that works so well? I got a 50/50 store brand of cola and it's not as good. My mom says cola syrup is the key. I'm wondering where I can get cola syrup these days. It used to be a drug store staple...

More labs on Friday and Monday is the l-o-n-g awaited MRI/MRA, though I have to wait until Sept. 1 for the results :(

I am now officially so sick of being nauseated that it's making me sick. Yes, that's a brilliant example of circular logic and, trust me, I am going in circles. Either I'm nauseated and have no appetite or I eat a tiny bit and as soon as it hits my stomach I feel horrible and am even more nauseated. Coca Cola is my friend. For some reason diet coke doesn't do the "trick" like regular coke. :::sigh::: No pity party here, just some frustration. The headaches I can live with. The nausea is annoying. I work pretty hard at finding ways to get food in me, though I certainly need to lose weight. I know that losing weight through virtual starvation is not healthy. I average 1/2 pound weight loss a day. Some days I manage to hold steady or even gain a pound only to lose ground the next day. I am counting the days until my next appointment.

I had a brain storm the other day. What if this nausea is a side effect of my meds? Hmmm. Now I know I had nausea way before they started me on the meds, but it *had* for the most part, stopped. Now it's my constant companion. The kids are being great. Not really focusing, but noticing if I appear to have a headache or be nauseated. Ginger isn't commenting again. Not sure why. I think she's annoyed that I'm not going to the ER. I know she called my attorney and asked her to draw up POA and DPOA. She did this without my consent. So of course I don't have them and I haven't signed anything. It's a good idea to have these pieces of paper in order no matter what's going on though. Especially given our extra-legal status.

Staying slightly busy seems to help. Knitting works sometimes, TV works a bit, video games with the kids work a bit, going to work helps after a while, but not if I'm there too long. 3-4 hours seems to be my limit. I have curtailed my volunteering for a few weeks. Guess it's time to get back in the groove.

If you found this blog, you're either smart, curious or lucky. This is a top secret blog. I have decided to keep it linked to my profile. My friend Karen tipped me off that she'd found it 2 weeks ago. I continue to hope on some small level, that there is NOTHING wrong with me. Just some short, okay, not so short, glitches in behaviors, memory and executive functioning :) However, if you are reading this and you actually know who I am, don't expect me to discuss this with you openly. Our children do NOT know specifically what's going on. They know I'm sick. They know we're doing less for now. They know I have headaches and get sick. Max has noticed I've lost weight. (I have been able to eat about once a day, generally later in the day without getting sick.) Nobody knows what's causing this so I don't have anything to tell you. I will tell you that I don't need anything, no help at all right now. We've slowed down activities and I'm teaching the kids to navigate when we drive, along with how to call for help on the cell if need be. I prefer to have them with me, we're trying to enjoy time without focusing on health. Ginger has shown sincere concern and is more demonstrative. That is a wonderful glorious thing. As soon as we know something definitive, we will be open with friends and family. Until then this is top secret so pretend you didn't read it!

Struggling with figuring out cables. I've frogged this pattern three times now! I've figured out part of the problem is when I try to make the cables left-handed instead of right-handed and when I bring the yarn to the front for the purl stitch. It just doesn't work. So I'll knit this cabled purse up with "backwards" cables and be done with it (hopefully).

Ginger had a very serious moment the other night and said she had a lot to learn (about running the house and caring for the boys) and that I better write it all down. Fly Lady would say it should all be written down anyway, not just because I may have dementia/brain tumor/stroke. So I'll update my computer files, print a paper copy and hope for the best.

MRI (open) is scheduled for the 22nd of August. I oddly hope they find something, but then again, if they don't what IS wrong with me??? supposedly there is a CT scan in the near future too, but no appointment for that yet. Dealing with the university is difficult most of the time. There's no real realtionship with a doctor. I found a dementia support group that's been helpful. At least if it is dementia, I have finally found other people who are not 67 and retired to talk with. There's a "baby" on the list who's 29! Others were diagnosed late 30's and early 40's, and plenty who are older than 50. I guess I'm not alone. At times I struggle with what I may become, a kind of evil mindless monster who destroys any positive memories anyone had of me. I hope there's a way to avoid that. Most of all, I don't want to miss a single day of loving my wife and spending time with our kids. I might have to seriously limit computer and TV time if the diagnosis gives me limited time. Finally got Max to play a card game with me yesterday instead of spending time on Rune Scape! :)

For a long time my confusion and memory problems were a closely guarded secret. As the symptoms become overwhelming, I shared with my wife. My wife who can't "do" nurturing. Who only lives in the tangible universe. My wife who is scared she "can't do it" (care for me as my mind degrades). Well, my fear is that my needs will be unmet. I have finally shared my fear of having a degenerative disease with no cure that will cut my lifetime. Shorten the years with my fabulous kids. My wife won't be able to "be there" for me. She's struggling with the possibility of a diagnosis. Heaven knows what she'll do if/when it's confirmed.

And have you tried to "google" dementia early-onset? Let me just say there are no easily found support groups or resources for a woman diagnosed with dementia in her mid 40's.

but life goes on... I will live the days I have. I will try, like hell, to not let my confusion and personality changes limit my life.

After over six months of trying, I finally had an appointment with a neurologist and the results were exactly what I feared. Aside from many tests, none of which we can truly afford, the main diseases he's following up are

1. Dementia
2. Brain Tumor
3. Stroke

I've been fairly stable the last few months, no major declines and I've even regained the ability to recall the day and organize the big re-current activities of most days. I still struggle with order and making decisions. It's called executive functioning. That would be like when I drove all over decided where to go get milk for Max's bowl of cereal. And Ginger says she and one of my closest friends and confidants both have noticed a personality change for the last 7 months. Joy. There's not a lot of information about these diseases in someone my age. Apparently I'm supposed to be in my late 50's and have a history of hypertension.

So I'm waiting again, for more bills and more tests and yet another appointment. I hope they find nothing!

secrets

Sometimes when you knit, mistakes can escape detection until you're about 3 rows past them. My life feels like that. There are some serious glitches in my memory and if there's nobody to catch it, then I've escaped except that I know what really happened. I sure hope this next MD visit lends some actual insight into my supposed illness. Brain tumors and dementia aren't something I really know how to deal with. I'm young and have a good marriage (okay, a sometimes great and sometimes less than good marriage) and two wonderful kids. This can't be happening so I keep waiting for the memory issues to just go away...