For a long time my confusion and memory problems were a closely guarded secret. As the symptoms become overwhelming, I shared with my wife. My wife who can't "do" nurturing. Who only lives in the tangible universe. My wife who is scared she "can't do it" (care for me as my mind degrades). Well, my fear is that my needs will be unmet. I have finally shared my fear of having a degenerative disease with no cure that will cut my lifetime. Shorten the years with my fabulous kids. My wife won't be able to "be there" for me. She's struggling with the possibility of a diagnosis. Heaven knows what she'll do if/when it's confirmed.

And have you tried to "google" dementia early-onset? Let me just say there are no easily found support groups or resources for a woman diagnosed with dementia in her mid 40's.

but life goes on... I will live the days I have. I will try, like hell, to not let my confusion and personality changes limit my life.

After over six months of trying, I finally had an appointment with a neurologist and the results were exactly what I feared. Aside from many tests, none of which we can truly afford, the main diseases he's following up are

1. Dementia
2. Brain Tumor
3. Stroke

I've been fairly stable the last few months, no major declines and I've even regained the ability to recall the day and organize the big re-current activities of most days. I still struggle with order and making decisions. It's called executive functioning. That would be like when I drove all over decided where to go get milk for Max's bowl of cereal. And Ginger says she and one of my closest friends and confidants both have noticed a personality change for the last 7 months. Joy. There's not a lot of information about these diseases in someone my age. Apparently I'm supposed to be in my late 50's and have a history of hypertension.

So I'm waiting again, for more bills and more tests and yet another appointment. I hope they find nothing!